I have always been my own worst enemy
Oh, my God, you're so late
Hudson Milbank กกกกกกกก God, you are so late
Hudson Milbank กกกกกกกก You are so late
Even on the most important day of my career
I felt overwhelmed by the uncertainty of what I had
I wasn't the same person anymore
I was now living in some kind of horrific perpetuaI dream state,
yet somehow still able to interact without anyone knowing
Just going through the motions, on automatic
I'm afraid I'll never get out of this
My life view was simple
One, I just wanted to be a happy person with happy thoughts
Two, we were all a simple action away from complete disaster
You should slow down, man
But I didn't want to slow down
I just wanted to stop my racing thoughts,
constant worry and never ending anxiety
Little did I know, inhaling a harmless joint 12 times in 12 minutes
could unhinge an already vulnerable brain and send it into the bottom of an abyss
Jesus Christ!
Jesus!
You just smoked too much กกกกกกกก Jesus Christ!
You'll be okay He'll be okay
I'm fucked!
From that point onward, I would suffer from a symptom so frightening,
it would consume every minute of every hour of every day
The officiaI term was "depersonalization "
No matter what I did, it wouldn't go away
So, what was it exactly?
Depersonalization disorder, in brief,
involved the persistent or recurrent experience of feeling detached,
as if one was an outside observer of one's mentaI processes or body
Are you okay?
The sense that the externaI world was unreaI or strange,
like living in some hellish dream like state
In layman's terms, I was fucked
You hear that? กกกกกกกก Yes, I did Is that bad?
Just hold your arms to your side
Now touch your nose with your forefingers
All right, you can open your eyes now You're fine
That's impossible
I never joke about the head, son
My finger hit my nostril Did you catch that?
It was close enough
But what about the "nothing's real" part?
Perhaps you should see a psychiatrist or something
I also lived substantially below my means
Not that I was cheap,
I was just terrified of things getting so bad, I wouldn't be able to function
So I opened up my checkbook,
and found myself in the office of a West Side psychiatrist
who specialized in dealing with creative types
on the verge of losing their minds
Have you ever heard the word "dysphoric"?
I knew it I've somehow gone crazy
No, that's psychotic
Dysphoric is when you just don't feel right in your own skin
Wait a minute, wait a minute Say that again
Over the next week, I couldn't stop talking about that word
It means I don't feel comfortable in my own skin
Tom was my writing partner of seven years
We complemented each other perfectly
He considered himself the writer of the team
I was the hustler
Even in my state, I could sell better than he could
So, how's the detachment thing?
You could jam this fork into my eye socket right now and I wouldn't feel it
But you're gonna be okay for the pitch next week?
I'm suffering here
Now, but this is important
Why did I have to smoke the pot?
We have to sell something
I mean, I didn't even touch a drug in high school
See, when we're in the room, you're always the guy
So between now and then,
I'm really gonna need you to put down that fork
I couldn't have just taken one or two hits like a normal person
I had to smoke the whole thing like some fucking maniac
It's not the pot It's not the pot
I smoke pot every day of my life I've never stared at cutlery
Do you have a turkey burger?
Fuck!
All right
What about the shrink? Is he any good?
He went to Harvard กกกกกกกก Can't get any better than that
That's great What's he say?
He thinks it might be a good idea for my self esteem
if we switched the order of our names on every other screenplay
He's an asshole, a Harvard asshole
Oh, missed it on the high side, with the wind, with the slope
Also, I watched The Golf Channel for 23 hours yesterday
Why golf?
I don't know I find it comforting
It's green People are whispering
So you're not getting out at all?
Look, I think this is something a little bit more
than just being not comfortable in my own skin
What do I do? Tell me what to do
Hudson,
it's important that you socialize, even if you have to force yourself
You are the sweetest dog So handsome
I read in a pamphlet from the NationaI MentaI Association
that after 12 weeks of psychotherapy,
if you're not better, seek another therapist
I was on week 14 with Dr Townshend,
but we'd become more like friends, so I didn't mind
So, the "S," that's for Scott, right? กกกกกกกก Yes
Can I call you that? กกกกกกกก No
One way to survive the endless time between therapy sessions
was to distract myself with the longest running movies ever made
These are due back Thursday
What if I watch them all tonight?
Okay
Dr Townshend
Wow, I can't believe I'm bumping into you How are you?
Fine
I was just at the video store
Hey
Well, I guess I'll go home and wait for our next appointment
It's tomorrow, right? กกกกกกกก Fine
Patient
The one thing Townshend did give me was clonazepam
The directions read, "Take as needed "
Which for me was Monday to Friday and weekends
One blue pill was the equivalent of three domestic beers
Two pills cut my feelings of hopelessness by a third
More was needed if you were, say,
rejected by a shrink you entrusted your life to
I adored the sedation, but there was one drawback,
sexuaI dysfunction
It got so bad, the average sexuaI act did nothing for me
I had to find the most extreme 20 seconds of footage
and play it over and over untiI it did the trick
Oh, fuck me with your tongue
Despite the restaurant snub,
I decided to give Dr Townshend another shot
After all, he was out with friends,
and that had nothing to do with his dedication to me within our sessions
Go on
I guess this is boring you
Excuse me? กกกกกกกก You kind of fell asleep there
No กกกกกกกก You were snoring
I was listening
Because last night I was in the bath,
and I figured out that I've already spent $2,650 on sessions,
and I still feel crazier than I ever did
So if you were snoring
I think you're making this bigger than it needs to be, Hudson
You would also think, at those kind of prices,
if we ran into each other at a restaurant,
you could acknowledge me as something more than "patient"
Perhaps we should talk about this กกกกกกกก Perhaps
Obviously, you're upset
I think I am a little upset because I rely on you
You're my touchstone to mental health,
and I think we have kind of a bond
Fuck me
Intense exercise was my next course of action
I read if you could raise your endorphins high enough,
it could somehow alter your brain chemistry
I found a class packed with lesbians,
not by choice, but still, it was strangely comforting
Okay, people!
This is your time, so let's push it!
That's it!
Everybody up!
And everybody down
After 30 minutes, I thought something might actually be happening,
but it was wishfuI, psychosomatic false alarm
My legs might as well have been attached to one of the lesbians
I didn't know where else to turn
I hadn't been home in five years
Maybe a little family reconnection
was what I needed to snap me back to normaI
Now, what is this spaciness, sport?
It's anxiety That is all it is
Oh, my goodness
Sport?
I desperately wanted my dad's help,
but he was the king of pragmatic thinking
I'd get the same kind of advice to all my worries
Do you think it was the pot?
I mean, why did I have to smoke so much?
Just pull up your socks, huh? You'll be okay
I thought about reaching out to my older brother, Stan,
who I'd worshipped since I was a kid
I'm busy
Can I at least get a glass of water before I ride back?
I'm in the middle of a writing session There's a gas station on the corner
Sport? กกกกกกกก I can't I can't breathe
What is it? กกกกกกกก He says he can't breathe
Oh, for goodness' sake Stop acting like a child!
Breathe
Hyperventilating
I think that's enough, sport
Reconnecting wasn't the answer
I had to get back to LA and somehow heaI thyself
I know you're in there! Hudson, it's Tom!
Come on, get up! Get up!
Put those feet on the ground and move them!
That's it Don't trip on your clothes,
'cause they're everywhere, aren't they?
That's me knocking! Answer the door! Open it!
Okay, got to get you dressed Got a meeting in 30
So when's the maid come? Never?
What do you think? Jeans and a T-shirt today?
I am dying here
All right, then I'll drive กกกกกกกก I have to sleep
How about this shirt? Look at this Oh, my God
Are you kidding me? กกกกกกกก I can't I can't do this
Of course you can The shirt goes on the top
Watch this move
The pants, big surprise to everyone, go on the bottom
All right, we've got the leg crossed I crossed the pant
Where are the shoes? Gotta have shoes You know why?
'Cause you're going outside That's right
You are a handsome man I'm gonna wait in the car
We've got to get this job today, buddy Gotta get this job
So, how you doing now?
But that's better than in the car, right?
Oh, God!
Can't you just fight this until after the meeting?
No, but I think I can mask it กกกกกกกก Okay, that's all we need
He's ready for you
Now would be good
Sorry I'm late
Fuck
For some reason, just looking at her
jolted me into a state of awareness and back to the job at hand
So, would you like the $50 million version or the $100 million version?
You did it! You did it!
Oh, let's get something to eat
That girl is an angel
What? Who?
The development girl
Oh, no No, no, no Please, God, no
What? กกกกกกกก What?
Remember the last gig? The copy girl?
The flower and the rain and the obsessing over her youthfuI zeaI?
We didn't work for a year after that
Well, there's something different about this girl
All right, maybe there is
Maybe there's something very different about this girl
It's just that there's also something very different about money coming in
Okay?
Okay กกกกกกกก Okay
Fuck! กกกกกกกก Hello?
Hello?
Is Hudson there? กกกกกกกก Yes?
Is this Hudson?
Yes, who's this? กกกกกกกก Sara Harrison
Who?
I was I was the executive
You were in my office today sucking up to my boss
Yes Hi This is him
I hope it's okay I'm calling กกกกกกกก Yes, sure Of course
Hello? กกกกกกกก Hello?
I was wondering if you wanted to get together
You and me? กกกกกกกก Uh huh
When?
Just an ordinary everyday spoon You've seen it a thousand times
Just an ordinary piece of kitchen cutlery See?
Very impressive Where did it go? กกกกกกกก Well, it's magic
Your lap?
It's a stupid trick, really
You know, I've seen you before, at a party a couple weeks ago
You were sitting on a couch by yourself, and this dog came up to you
You fed it a potato chip กกกกกกกก Potato chip
Yeah
You looked really lonely
Oh, no, that's just the way that I appear when I'm really enjoying myself
You seemed really anxious to leave
I did? กกกกกกกก Mmm
There was something so fucking noticeable about you
Sorry Sweet
I cuss when I get excited about things กกกกกกกก That's okay
It's not Tourette's or anything กกกกกกกก Right
My God, she was fantastic
And by dessert, things loosened up
when she started talking about her last relationship
So, he took a gun out of his glove compartment
and then blew his brains out all over his Porsche,
in front of his ex-wife
But she was obviously attracted to unstable guys, which was perfect
What's your biggest fear?
Well, I guess I have two กกกกกกกก Mmm hmm
The first is going spontaneously insane
And the second
is something happening to my father
Like him dying?
I really wish you, um, wouldn't say it
You're afraid of the word?
Yeah, for some reason, I think that saying it might
Make it happen
Yeah กกกกกกกก It won't
Death, death, death Die, die, die See?
Nothing
Right, but you're saying it
Nothing's gonna happen when you're saying it
See, that's the way my mind works
See, I figured out the other day that life expectancy for a male is 72 years
That's 25,000 days
You know, and you sleep a third of that, so that's just 16,000 days
And say you spend half that time
trying to figure out what you want to do with your life
That's down to 8,000 days
Now, I'm 36, so that leaves me only 4,311 days left,
if I don't get sick or hit by a bus or something
You're an unusual person
My father is a physicist
He teaches string theory That's interesting
Yeah, so's the affair he's having with a chick half his age
Should I come in?
Oh, I would
What's the deal with him? กกกกกกกก He likes me
Really? กกกกกกกก Yeah, he leaves CD's on my car
and circles the tracks that remind him of me
People always look at the numbers changing
Yup
I think it's 'cause they're nervous กกกกกกกก Yup
So, what did you think?
It sounds good กกกกกกกก Seriously?
It's the worst playing of any musical instrument I've ever heard
Really, you should throw that thing in the fireplace
Oh
Where did you get all of this stuff?
What is that?
A turtle กกกกกกกก It is?
Yeah, I broke its head off
I was watching the basketball playoffs, and my fucking team didn't win,
and so I threw the remote control at the TV and it
Headless
Yeah, I can see that You're insanely cute
You think I'm cute?
I kind of think I have a big head
Yeah, well, at least you have a chin I mean, look at this
I've got a straight line from my chin to my neck
It's like a chin-neck
Well, I think that one of my ears is bigger than the other
I don't see that กกกกกกกก Liars go to hell
Yeah, I see that
You really have no chin
Well, you kind of look like a lion
Well, you kind of look like an owl
An owl? กกกกกกกก An owl without a chin
Oh, I have to go
Where?
Just I have an appointment tomorrow for something that I forgot
What kind of a deadbolt is this?
Did I just fuck this up?
I'm gonna call you So be ready for that
You do kind of look like an owl
So, you really like this girl, huh?
So, you must have told her you were depersonalized, yeah?
Okay
How was that?
It was the worst lawn bowling I've ever seen in my entire life
I think you should take the ball and throw it in my fireplace
Over the next few dates, she was able to drag me outside during the day
Luckily, we did things almost as comforting as The Golf ChanneI
Nights were the worst for me, so I convinced her to stay in
and watch extended versions of Lawrence of Arabia,
Bridge on the River Kwai and The Right Stuff,
which we saw twice
She seemed perfectly fine
At this rate, I could stay in my comfort zone indefinitely
I think we should go out tonight
Out? กกกกกกกก Hmm
But I thought we were gonna watch the Star Wars trilogy with the commentary
I know Watching the Star Wars trilogy with the commentary's fun,
but I was thinking that maybe we could do something different
So even though the Millennium Falcon was the oldest plane,
it ended up saving all of them
Yeah, it did, yeah
I'm thinking about getting a new car, by the way
Really? Why?
Well, I just don't want you to think that I like driving something that's 10 years old
A lot of people in LA don't have insurance,
so they don't care if they crash into you so
You don't have to impress me, Hudson
I know
And I am looking at homes กกกกกกกก Hmm
Let's go there
You okay? กกกกกกกก Yeah You?
Yeah
That's impressive
I think you should give her $5
$5? กกกกกกกก Yup
I only have a 20 กกกกกกกก I'll pay you back
You should wash your hands
That's good
I'm gonna go get some hand sanitizers
Okay
Why do they have locks on stores that are open 24
Do you steal a lot?
What stealing? กกกกกกกก The pen
No, I paid for that กกกกกกกก Don't lie
Fucking hate that
Why do you do it?
I don't know กกกกกกกก Yeah, you do
Well, maybe it gives me a
warped sense of control or some adrenaline or
Because I got to tell you, Hudson, I can't date somebody who does that
Well, it's only small stuff
It doesn't matter It's not right
I know กกกกกกกก Do you?
Yes, and it will absolutely not happen again
You're just saying that to get off the hook
You returned it?
Like it never happened
Thank you, Hudson
No, thank you Stealing is bad and I don't want to be bad
You do you realize we haven't had sex yet
Uh, yes, I am aware of that
Will you take me back to your place?
Mine?
It's kind of like a ski lodge
Ha! It is very chalet like
You rent this place? กกกกกกกก I do pay a monthly fee
Whoa, what the fuck was that? กกกกกกกก Oh, no, you're
You're okay There's just a family of squirrels
Can I get you anything?
What you got?
Um
Well, I have pasta I don't have any sauce
But would you like me to make you some pasta?
That's really sweet We just ate so
How about some bottled water?
Oh, okay, here's the deal with that
I don't really keep bottled water in the house
'cause I believe that it's a scam
See, tap water has to undergo much more stringent testing for bacteria
Tap's good
Hudson, what are you looking for in a relationship?
Oh, well, just basically, somebody who can stand to be with me, I guess
Here กกกกกกกก Thank you
You?
Well,
I want to know that if my limbs fall off, we'd still be together, no matter what
And when he says my name, it sounds different in his mouth
You know, like it's safe there
Or
I put on perfume and he puts on cologne,
and we go out, and we can smell each other
You know, they make you smile when you're tired
That's a big one
Or you tell them something
that you're scared to tell them
because you're afraid it'll make them stop loving you
But when you tell them, you're surprised, because it actually,
it makes them love you more
Or you tell them that they
That you love their shirt, and then they end up wearing it every day
My greatest example of this is my grandparents
My grandmother has arthritis in her hands, and she can't bend down and paint her toes
So my grandfather does it for her,
all the time
Even though he has arthritis in his hands, too
So, do you like the place?
I like you
What are you doing?
You can't sleep?
You wanna turn You can turn on the TV
Is that good?
That's great
How many girls could fall asleep to the Greater Hartford Open?
Maybe a lot, but this was the first one I ever met
Go, go, go
And I never want to see you back here ever again!
Do you understand?
I couldn't hide my condition from her forever
If I had any chance with Sara, I had to speed up my recovery
So I went with another doctor who specialized in a big word,
which meant, "Fuck talking, take drugs "
Uh So, Dr
Richmond กกกกกกกก Richmond,
here's the thing
I have met and, I think, fallen in love with the most beautiful,
incredible, weird woman
on the face of the planet
She's so pretty
I mean, she thinks she has a big head, but she doesn't
And last night we consummated our relationship,
which is to say that I had sex Well, we had sex and
It should have felt really good I mean, it should have felt really good
But I was so focused on her not seeing the pen that I stole,
which she saw me steal
But I told her that I returned it, but I didn't return it
I just stole another pen
So all that was flying
through my brain when I was supposed to
So, fucking help
Help Fuck, help
On a crowded elevator, do you stand at the back or the front?
What?
On a crowded elevator, do you stand at the back or the front?
Back
Front Front
Front
Although, sometimes I find myself
looking up at the numbers 'cause I get nervous
You ever hear voices coming from your television set?
That aren't part of the show?
Yes กกกกกกกก No
I think we'll begin with divalproex sodium
What's divalproex sodium? กกกกกกกก Technically, an antipsychotic
Psychotic? I'm psychotic? กกกกกกกก No
Because I feel psychotic, sometimes
The fact that you're asking the question proves that you're not
Well, then why am I taking psychotic medication?
Because in small doses it can be quite helpful with mood,
which I think is contributing to your problem
But I thought that's why I was on clonazepam
Did someone from Harvard prescribe that?
Yes
Idiots You'll stop that immediately
Well, is this gonna help with my depersonalization?
That's what we're gonna find out
Well, what about the side effects? กกกกกกกก Nothing to be concerned about
Have you taken an antipsychotic before?
No, I'm not psychotic
I already asked if I was psychotic, and apparently that proves I'm not psychotic
I'm taking it for depersonalization
Are you aware of the side effects?
I was told there's nothing to be concerned about
HUDSON READING: "Blurred vision, constipation, dry eyes,
"dry nose, dry mouth, difficulty urinating"
Nothing to be concerned about
"Tardive dyskinesia"
"Tardive dyskinesia, a permanent twitching of the facial muscles"
Fuck
My alternatives were slim
Permanent spaciness or rare, irreversible faciaI twitching
Give it another hour, sport
I'll leave the back door unlocked Okay, Dad
Where have you been?
What? Here กกกกกกกก I've been calling and calling
What time is it? กกกกกกกก It's almost 4:00
I fell asleep
I fell asleep in the bathroom
You fell asleep in the bathroom
Hudson, what's going on?
Nothing
Hudson, tell me what's going on กกกกกกกก Nothing
I want to know
The technical term for it is "depersonalization"
But I can't explain to you what that is because you don't have it
Can you please try?
It's like when I feel anxious, which is all the time, my
relationship with reality is all screwed up
So
Like, I look at my hand and it just doesn't feel
Like, right now, I see your lips moving and I hear you talking,
but it just doesn't feel real to me
I don't feel real to you?
This all started with the pot
Do you think it was the pot?
No, I don't think pot can do that, baby
Yeah, and I didn't want to tell you
because I didn't think you'd want to be with me
Have you seen anybody about this?
I've seen almost everybody about this
What do they say? กกกกกกกก They give me pills,
but I don't think I'm taking the right ones because they just make me feel worse
Do you ever feel better?
4:45 am, and for the next 20 minutes,
the only time in this city's day when it is completely deserted
I feel like we're the last people on earth
I wish it was like this all the time
You can't live like this
Sometimes I wish I didn't
And I don't think you understand what he's going through
I'm afraid for him
Let me put your mind at ease
People who talk about killing themselves very rarely carry it out
Oh, really?
Because I dated a guy who talked about it all the time,
and then he blew his fucking brains out
Hudson, if you don't mind,
I'd like to speak to Sara alone for a few minutes
What I'm interested in is why you're here
Because I care about him กกกกกกกก Why?
Because he does stupid magic tricks
Because you can't pick who you fall in love with
I would never let a girl go to my shrink
You should have seen her She was amazing
She completely defended me She really put him in his place
Well, she knows too much about you now
So?
Well, I'd just be concerned that she'd use it against me
For what?
Like a trump card
Whenever she wants, boom, she's got that
No, Sara would never do that
Okay
You know what? Okay
She sounds great
Want to get some work done for a few hours?
Yeah กกกกกกกก Great
Yeah, we can do that
After the first round of individuaI drug trials failed,
Dr Richmond decided to bombard all my neurotransmitters at once
So we combinedeverything
Sertraline, bupropion, MAO inhibitors,
fluoxetine hydrochloride
It was like musicaI drugs,
and when the music stopped, I couldn't get a chair
I became numb to the labels
I just wanted relief
Good luck with this one, Hudson กกกกกกกก Thanks, Rick
We have to turn this off
Just one more tournament
How's your reality system now?
Hey, let's
Let's get married
What? กกกกกกกก Let's get married
You're serious? กกกกกกกก Yeah
Hudson, marriage is a motherfucker of a responsibility
I know
And a lot of work กกกกกกกก I know
You're not ready to get married
Yes, I am
And I want kids, you know, someday
You think you can do that? กกกกกกกก Yes
You don't? กกกกกกกก I didn't say that
I just think that maybe right now isn't a good time to be talking about marriage,
when you're going through this
This thing กกกกกกกก Yeah, you can say it
Fucked up state of mind that nobody seems to have a clue what to do with
But I think you're gonna work yourself through it
Well, what if I don't?
You will
Right, but what if I don't?
What if this is the way I'm gonna be for the rest of my life?
But I don't think that's the case I
You just need to stop being so กกกกกกกก What?
Negative
Negative? กกกกกกกก Yeah
Negative Well, I'm sorry if the rest of the world
was born with perfect brain synapses and is walking around in la-la land,
and I can't tell if this fucking flower is real!
If you are just waiting around for me to get better
This is it
Tom was right
In the best of worlds, all I could bring her was unending grief
and the need for constant reassurance that I wouldn't lose my mind
It would only be a matter of time before she couldn't take it anymore
Self-sabotage the best thing in my life?
Of course I would
Ready?
What?
You told me you weren't gonna do this again
I didn't กกกกกกกก Stop it
Stop what?
I know what you're trying to do Please don't
What? What am I trying to do? กกกกกกกก You promised
Look, this is me, all right? It's just me
That's such a crock of shit
You want to end this?
You think you're so irre fucking deemable?
Then end it
Come on, tell me it's over
But you have to say it
Fuck! กกกกกกกก Fuck
Did you not hear me say that she would?
She didn't do anything I did this
I fucked this up Me
Okay
Okay, then, just go apologize
No, she deserves a normal person,
not some kleptomaniac freak show who's gonna
ask her to marry him
All right All right, what you need now is a different kind of woman
Why, so I can just play this shit out again?
No, no, no Stay with me
Ah, there she is Look over there
Attractive, clearly a different woman
Just go over there and talk Huh?
I can't
Look at me
Who's your best friend? กกกกกกกก Dave Wilson
In this city
You กกกกกกกก Thank you Trust me, okay?
You're hurting I get that
This is the best and easiest way
Just go over and talk No proposals
Do not mention The Golf Channel Just talk to her
Okay, she's on the move Make your move Now
Go กกกกกกกก She's going to the bathroom
Perfect! Go Go, go, go
You are not gonna believe this She's a doctor
She specializes in cognitive behaviorism
That's incredible, and she's hot
Cognitive behaviorism
The deaI was you could change the way you felt
by altering your negative thinking
Would it work? I highly doubted it But, my God, she was qualified
A tenured professor at UCLA,
a Master's in psychology from Stanford, another from Cambridge,
published books on anxiety,
articles in prestigious medicaI journals
Exactly what I needed
When you say,
"I hate myself for blowing it with the woman of my dreams"
That's an example of magnification
A better way to express it would be,
"At the moment, I'm disappointed that we're no longer together,
"but many relationships don't work out
"What can I do to change my behavior next time?"
Are you married?
Another area we'll work on is labeling
Right, but is there a Mr Dr Blaine?
I don't think that's really important to your treatment
Where are you from? กกกกกกกก We're not here to talk about me
Okay
But it's Texas, right?
Arkansas
Okay?
Unlike most therapists,
who would never think of leaving the comfort of their offices,
Dr Blaine actually took her patients into the field
I can't
There is absolutely no connection
between saying a word and the health of your father
But why tempt fate?
Because it will lower your anxiety and help you get better
All right, give me a second
You can do this, Hudson
Death
It worked He's okay He's trimming the hedges
See?
Has a patient ever asked you out before?
It happens
Do you ever say yes? กกกกกกกก Never
How about dinner with me?
I don't think so
Because we have a professional relationship?
Exactly
Well, what if I stopped seeing you?
I don't think that would be wise
Right, but what's the rule on that kind of thing?
You're very sweet, Hudson, but my only concern is that you get better
Is that why you blushed back there?
As a way to recovery, Dr Blaine thought it a good idea
to e-maiI me cognitive exercises
I could practice outside our sessions
First assignment, monitor my daily negative thoughts
Hello กกกกกกกก Hudson, it's Dr Blaine
Are you busy?
No, I'm just doing a little cognitive homework
Good
Well, the reason I'm calling
is that I found a very interesting article on cortisoI levels
I think may be of some help
You may want to take a look at it
Really? กกกกกกกก In fact, I have it with me now
Yes, absolutely
It explains how high cortisol levels
increase adrenaline,
which could have a bearing on the feeling of depersonalization
Interesting
So I'll do some more reading over the weekend
I hope I didn't make you drive too far
No, my shack is only about five minutes away
Shack?
Well, I'm sure it's not a shack
My God
It is a shack
Yeah, it's the only place I feel even close to okay
Almost like a sanctuary
I'm so sorry this is happening to you กกกกกกกก Thanks
It's not fair กกกกกกกก Thank you
And I did blush
I knew it
I just think, therapeutically,
it's important to bring it out in the open
I do find you very
charming, attractive and funny
But things as they are, nothing can ever happen on that level
I'm sorry
The door กกกกกกกก Sticks
Bullshit กกกกกกกก She said it was the first time
she'd had sex in seven years
Bullshit กกกกกกกก It was like having a wounded animal
on top of me
That is so wrong กกกกกกกก Well, what do I do?
Isn't it obvious? Try to see her without having to pay
Hi Yeah Let me get two of the chocolate things there
It is absolutely my fault Inexcusable
I want you to know that I have spoken to a colleague
to find someone to take over your sessions
Who can make me say "death"?
There is no other way here
I could lose my license
I can't see another therapist It has to be you
Hudson, a terrible line has been crossed
Can't we just forget about what happened?
You could do that?
Yes
The first time was exciting
Now having her writhe all over me,
I realized I was letting her use me,
so I could use her, so she'd work harder at making me better
I had become a cognitive whore
Dr Blaine here again
If we could talk before noon, Hudson, that would be good for me
Hey, it's Tom I'm here writing and you're not
That's okay Just another reminder,
we've got our biggest pitch ever next week, so
Head of production, that kind of a guy Chance of a lifetime, partner
Just need you firing all selling cylinders Call me
Hudson, it's Dr Blaine again
Call me at home when you can
I hope I haven't filled up your machine
The machine is full
So, is it this, prune juice and then death?
Is that the trifecta?
Seriously, are you still banging that shrink?
I'm afraid to break it off
She's doing all this extra research for me
She's even canceling her appointments with other patients
This could get bad กกกกกกกก Hudson
Oh, God กกกกกกกก It got bad It got bad
I think we should have some lunch
What do I do? กกกกกกกก Have lunch Have lunch
I thought it would be safer to say what I'm about to say in public
Obviously, something has happened to my emotions
My behavior has been Fuck off!
Unacceptable
Well, that can happen กกกกกกกก No, it can't
Did you witness my tone with the waiter just then?
I did catch that, yeah
It has to stop, Hudson Us, we, this
I agree
I was up all night analyzing my actions, berating myself,
abhorring myself
I go to sleep that way every night so
Thank you for saying that กกกกกกกก Sure
I suppose I have spent so many years
listening to other people's feelings
that I've neglected my own
And it's all coming out now, here,
in the restaurant, in front of all these people?
Which is something I have to deal with, and I will deal with
Oh, I feel so much better
Oh, my God, even my hunger is back
Oh, well, the tuna melt looks good
It's no good I love you, Hudson
What? กกกกกกกก I love you!
Oh, God Oh, God
I am so sorry I didn't mean to raise my voice like that
I thought you I thought you were dealing with it
I am, I am It's just I cannot get you out of my mind
Sure you can Sure you can
Look at me, I'm a mess
You don't want that I'm flattered
that you think that you have these feelings
No, no, I don't think I have them
Fifteen years of cognitive training,
I might just know a little something about feelings
Oh, God
God, what is wrong with me?
I'm acting like an insane person กกกกกกกก No
Forgive me? กกกกกกกก Yes
Will you forgive me? กกกกกกกก Yes
I think we should go กกกกกกกก Sure
But first, may I just ask one question?
Why don't we wait till we get out of the restaurant?
No, no, no Need to know now
Do you think, under different circumstances,
you would feel the same way about me?
I think you need to calm down
Calm down? Oh
I think I know how I am
And I certainly know how you are
A walking generalized anxiety disorder
with rapid cycling issues,
precipitous abandonment,
a tendency toward hypomania, possibly,
who's magnifying all over the place!
I love you!
Run
It just occurred to me, I haven't even met your family
So, how'd it go with the therapist?
Mr Milbank? This is the office of Professor Paula Simon,
Mount Sinai SchooI of Medicine
We received your inquiry regarding your depersonalization study,
and a spot has become available
Please contact us at your convenience
Dr Paula Simon was the only doctor in North America
researching depersonalization specifically,
but I was determined to get through the four-day intensive, no matter what
Plus, it would be a relief to finally meet other depersonalized people
as I was beginning to think I was the only one
Where are the others? กกกกกกกก Others?
Other crazy test patients like me?
It's just you this weekend, sweetheart
I'll draw your blood every hour on the hour for 72 hours
You're kidding
You know, it's funny Everyone says that
You'll see Dr Simon on Sunday
I'm the most selfish person in the world
I blew the best thing that ever happened to me because I was afraid
I'll see you in an hour
Count backwards from 2,004 in groups of seven
If you make a mistake, begin again
1,997,
1,990
Have any of you guys ever slept with a patient?
All my attention should have been at the tests at hand,
but for the first time, I wasn't thinking about my condition at all
It was just Sara
You have depersonalization disorder
Well, I know that
How do I get rid of it? กกกกกกกก We don't know at this time
Well, you have to There's a great girl involved here
I've heard
What about the pot? กกกกกกกก Triggered what was already there
It probably would have happened eventually
But not definitely?
Based on our current research,
there was more than likely a predisposition there
So, what do I do?
There are medications กกกกกกกก I've taken them all
And therapies กกกกกกกก I've done them
Then I suggest you try to accept it
You suggest I try to accept it?
I do know of an excellent cognitive behaviorist at UCLA
who's proven helpful
42 feet of cubic space back here
You won't find that in a Mercedes กกกกกกกก I'll take it
Very bright and airy, beautiful backyard, stunning hardwood floors
A very pretty yard กกกกกกกก I'll take it
Oh, good Tim Tim, where is she? กกกกกกกก She's gone
What? กกกกกกกก She left with some guy
Where? กกกกกกกก Maui
Look, an airport cab came to pick her up two hours ago
Does that help? กกกกกกกก Which airline?
I'm only doing this because I dislike him more than I dislike you
Which airline? กกกกกกกก Delta
You'll be towed!
Hold on just a second
Hudson, what are you doing here? กกกกกกกก Don't do this
This guy can't make you swear the way I can
Go home กกกกกกกก Home to what?
You're the only one I can be myself around
You're the only one I can be comfortable with
I bought a new house and a car
and I'm getting a smaller TV
Hudson, it's not about a house or a car or a TV
Okay, how about this? I love you
Don't say that
You could save me and you won't even try
Sara
Let's go
Fuck
Hello
Can we talk?
I'm busy
Our dad just died and you're doing business on the phone?
It's nothing It's just my brother Go ahead
You wanna get off the phone?
What the hell is wrong with you?
Hudson?
What are you doing?
Nothing
What happened with you and your brother? กกกกกกกก It doesn't matter
That's what he said You ought to be downstairs with the others
Would you stop that?
God damn it!
What is wrong with you?
Why have you always been so angry at me?
Are you kidding?
You know, they say the first three years of a child's life are the most essential
I'm just curious,
were you bouncing me on my head during that time?
I'd really like to know how I turned out this way
Well, it wasn't easy for me, either, Hudson
Do you have any idea what a selfish boy you were?
I was a kid Kids are supposed to be selfish
Okay, fine
I was a terrible mother! Is that what you wanna hear?
Yeah, that's what I wanna hear!
I just
I always
Of all the children, I thought that you and I,
we're the most alike
Well, that's certainly true
Maybe I wasn't as nurturing as I should have been
Well, that must have been really hard for you to say
My theory was simple
If smoking marijuana triggered my problems,
smoking even more would reverse it,
shocking my synapses back to normaI
There was no science behind this,
just gut feeling mixed with sheer desperation
Was I scared? Absolutely
Would it work? It had to
You're okay
Is that all you got?
God, no
I needed a quick fix of manic adrenaline,
to snap me back into a semblance of reality
Hell, I deserved it, and I knew just the remedy
What are you staring at?
Probably best to keep it low-key around here
So, what did you do?
Shoplifted a pair of Aerosoles
Good shoe
What did you do?
Nothing
Well, they don't like that
Hey, it's gonna be okay กกกกกกกก No, it's not
I miss Sara
I don't think I can be a writer anymore,
and I am completely alone
Do I look familiar to you?
I've passed you and your dog
outside the grocery store a hundred times
A hundred times, and I never gave you anything
I know
Look, I'll wait here with you
So, is that real enough for you?
Maybe Dr Simon was right
Maybe I had a predisposition all along
The pot was just an easy excuse to pin it on
And maybe it was just me
I was my problem
Maybe my dad had it right
Just pull up my socks and get out of my own way
Hi กกกกกกกก Hello
I'm here to tell you that I love you
Now, even though I know you're gonna say, "Yeah, so?"
I still love you
Okay
See you กกกกกกกก Yup
Hudson, I think you're making a big mistake
We need to have a session to discuss you ending your sessions
This is your brain chemistry talking
There are new medications coming out all the time
This should square us up
This your first time?
I'll wait with you
Oh, my God, you're so late
Hudson Milbank กกกกกกกก God, you are so late
Hudson Milbank กกกกกกกก You are so late
Sorry I'm late กกกกกกกก No problem
We understand that you can buy in the room,
and my partner is very excited about that
So excited that we've worked really hard for the last couple of weeks
to come up with something great for you here today
Well, that's not true He's been working really hard
See, he's the writer He's a really good writer
The only thing I'm really good at is bullshitting all of you guys,
and that's just not enough for me to be good at anymore,
so I'm gonna go
Yeah, I'm gonna go Tom will take this home for you
I'll put your name first
You know you can do this
Do you need validation?
You want to hear the $50 million version or the $100 million version?
There you go, guys They were out of organic bananas
Thanks
So, how's Sara?
She's
Right there She's right there
Are you okay? กกกกกกกก I'm great
Hi
God, hi
How are you? กกกกกกกก I'm good
Good
How are you? กกกกกกกก I'm good
Good กกกกกกกก I'm better
I mean, I'm not ever gonna be normal
I'm still gonna be much more comfortable at 4:45
on the corner of Ventura and Woodman
Hey, look, I don't wanna hold you up
I just want to let you know that if you lost all your limbs,
we'd still be together forever
I mean, I really hope that doesn't happen
because I think your limbs are pretty great
And when I said your name, it would always sound safe
I'm not sure about the perfume and the cologne thing,
but I could try, you know
I mean, I could pick some up
I would always try to make you smile when you're tired
I know you think that's really hard to do,
but I think I could do that
And you'd never have to be scared to tell me anything
And if you like this shirt,
I wouldn't take it off for a month
And I'd be more than willing to paint your grandmother's toenails
so your grandfather doesn't have to do it anymore
You don't have to save me, Sara
But I am gonna love you for the rest of my life,
so things would be a lot better for me if you were around
Okay